So much have transpired these few months that penning it down here seemed taxing. Just in case you're not in the know of this, i'm a journal person. So, i already have my tangible outlet right here in the real world..
Another thought came in though, that just as much as i love reading what's going on in your life dear friends & to also learn the same lessons you are learning, i wanna have faith that we have brought the art of 'sharing' into a whole new level here :) so, it is in this manner, that i'm blogging this..
For those closest to me, you would have known this - cos i talked about it oh! so constantly..
Next year (yes ,2009) would have been what i deemed a pivotal year for me as it was the year that i wanted to relinquished my 'secular' duties to pursue a life in the mission field. It is not something that i just thought about overnight but something that i have digested & burnt inside of me as long as i could remember. So much so, it was the only thing i thought i wanted to do fresh out of high school. But life kinda took a different path..i fell in love with a Nighthawk.That love eventually led me to Mech. Eng. I blame this on a F5 Physics Project :)
To cut the story short, it led me to where i am now. To what i have been doing for the past 5 years *gasp!*
Honestly, i have no complain. I struggle as much as the next person, doing the best with what comes in my way. Living & breathing in it, juggling the never-ending responsibilities & yet the desire continues to burn. It reached unbearable somewhere early this year that i was adamant in preparing to go by next year. And because it is that important to me, i waited for an answer. I wanted to be sure that the time was right & it was clear cut that it's what i should be doing.
The answer came. Not what i would have expected. After a gutsy declaration that i would lay it all to go, the answer was again - wait. After nearly 10 years, it was still a wait!??!!
All of a sudden, my own gutsy philosophy & stubborn inclination had to be sieved. Was this desire a mere romantic notion (you know, boldly declaring God's truth against the background of a aliened culture & etc.)? Was this me trying to escape into a more 'adventurous' life? Was this desire rooted in an 'escapist' mode?
The most uncanny thing was, i found myself at peace with the answer that i would have otherwise debate furiously againts. Somehow knowing that i needed more convincing, the confirmation also came from an innocent text message from Joy right after i had a dream of me leaving for somewhere but stopped & turned around & stayed. STAYED!!
So, i'm staying because of a promise, that God knows my deepest of desire. Where i am is secondary. My most primal desire now is this one life is for His perusal.
So, today i find myself in many roles. Surrounded by the familliar & at times routine, but i also see doors; opportunities. My life has crossed paths with people that have pushed me to the limit, situations have stretched & still is stretching me, i've treaded on so many unfamiliar grounds, walked in areas that i knew i would have fallen flat on the ground & never could have gotten up(if not for Him), i've bored the shame of my mistakes & i have had my pre-cultured 'Christian' mind exploded & challenged. So i guess the familiar & routine is not that familiar & routine after all.
In all the phases of my life, growing up sheltered in a nice Christian environment; it is only now - that desire to make Him known is the greatest. This phase, where i'm literally amidst the world culture. Amidst so many people with different backgrounds & values. Amidst vein trooping stress! Amidst opinions & assumptions on the Christian faith & how we do church...Some that made you ponder, some totally absurd! And yet, there's a sharp pain inside of you that Christ knows each & everyone of them & you wonder how anyone could go through life without knowing that. Without knowing the greatest act of redemption through the cross & the blood was for them - for all of us.
That this man Jesus was truly indeed God & man for our sake. He died & rose for our sake. He gave grace & mercy to the worst of being - us.
I look at my students & the life that is before them..how could they go through life not knowing?
I look at my colleagues & them striving to defend the meaning to their lives or searching still..isn't true meaning found only in the truth?
And i look at myself...i have nothing to show for. I got no name or credentials. I still act kiddish at times (hehe..) & yes my flaws are still so obvious...but is that excuse enough? Wouldn't it be a contradictory to God's character that i need to be somebody before He could use me? Could He not use what i already have? maybe the bigger question here is, do we trust enough to just go about the Father's business, doing what we can, where we are even though we're flawed creatures living in a messed-up world?
i desire to be pleasing to Him...as cliche as it sounds, i kid you not. So, as i go about my duties; be it the church or outside of it, may it be with the same fervour and convictions because He must be God in all of my life's dimensions.
As for the mission field, this is what i have now. We'll see where He'll bring from there. At the moment, He's working through my staying here. In fact, i have had a LOT of lessons learned & drilled in just by staying. Things i wouldn't have learned if i were to throw my hands up & said 'Enough! This heathen world is NOT for me! I'm going to do God's works now.' hehe...
Well, its still kinda not for me but it's the world that i am doing God's work now. Its a constant struggle but so is the mission field i dream of. Pain & struggle will always be a part of life...God had to take the world to teach me that..but i'm glad He did.
still learning....
Another thought came in though, that just as much as i love reading what's going on in your life dear friends & to also learn the same lessons you are learning, i wanna have faith that we have brought the art of 'sharing' into a whole new level here :) so, it is in this manner, that i'm blogging this..
For those closest to me, you would have known this - cos i talked about it oh! so constantly..
Next year (yes ,2009) would have been what i deemed a pivotal year for me as it was the year that i wanted to relinquished my 'secular' duties to pursue a life in the mission field. It is not something that i just thought about overnight but something that i have digested & burnt inside of me as long as i could remember. So much so, it was the only thing i thought i wanted to do fresh out of high school. But life kinda took a different path..i fell in love with a Nighthawk.That love eventually led me to Mech. Eng. I blame this on a F5 Physics Project :)
To cut the story short, it led me to where i am now. To what i have been doing for the past 5 years *gasp!*
Honestly, i have no complain. I struggle as much as the next person, doing the best with what comes in my way. Living & breathing in it, juggling the never-ending responsibilities & yet the desire continues to burn. It reached unbearable somewhere early this year that i was adamant in preparing to go by next year. And because it is that important to me, i waited for an answer. I wanted to be sure that the time was right & it was clear cut that it's what i should be doing.
The answer came. Not what i would have expected. After a gutsy declaration that i would lay it all to go, the answer was again - wait. After nearly 10 years, it was still a wait!??!!
All of a sudden, my own gutsy philosophy & stubborn inclination had to be sieved. Was this desire a mere romantic notion (you know, boldly declaring God's truth against the background of a aliened culture & etc.)? Was this me trying to escape into a more 'adventurous' life? Was this desire rooted in an 'escapist' mode?
The most uncanny thing was, i found myself at peace with the answer that i would have otherwise debate furiously againts. Somehow knowing that i needed more convincing, the confirmation also came from an innocent text message from Joy right after i had a dream of me leaving for somewhere but stopped & turned around & stayed. STAYED!!
So, i'm staying because of a promise, that God knows my deepest of desire. Where i am is secondary. My most primal desire now is this one life is for His perusal.
So, today i find myself in many roles. Surrounded by the familliar & at times routine, but i also see doors; opportunities. My life has crossed paths with people that have pushed me to the limit, situations have stretched & still is stretching me, i've treaded on so many unfamiliar grounds, walked in areas that i knew i would have fallen flat on the ground & never could have gotten up(if not for Him), i've bored the shame of my mistakes & i have had my pre-cultured 'Christian' mind exploded & challenged. So i guess the familiar & routine is not that familiar & routine after all.
In all the phases of my life, growing up sheltered in a nice Christian environment; it is only now - that desire to make Him known is the greatest. This phase, where i'm literally amidst the world culture. Amidst so many people with different backgrounds & values. Amidst vein trooping stress! Amidst opinions & assumptions on the Christian faith & how we do church...Some that made you ponder, some totally absurd! And yet, there's a sharp pain inside of you that Christ knows each & everyone of them & you wonder how anyone could go through life without knowing that. Without knowing the greatest act of redemption through the cross & the blood was for them - for all of us.
That this man Jesus was truly indeed God & man for our sake. He died & rose for our sake. He gave grace & mercy to the worst of being - us.
I look at my students & the life that is before them..how could they go through life not knowing?
I look at my colleagues & them striving to defend the meaning to their lives or searching still..isn't true meaning found only in the truth?
And i look at myself...i have nothing to show for. I got no name or credentials. I still act kiddish at times (hehe..) & yes my flaws are still so obvious...but is that excuse enough? Wouldn't it be a contradictory to God's character that i need to be somebody before He could use me? Could He not use what i already have? maybe the bigger question here is, do we trust enough to just go about the Father's business, doing what we can, where we are even though we're flawed creatures living in a messed-up world?
i desire to be pleasing to Him...as cliche as it sounds, i kid you not. So, as i go about my duties; be it the church or outside of it, may it be with the same fervour and convictions because He must be God in all of my life's dimensions.
As for the mission field, this is what i have now. We'll see where He'll bring from there. At the moment, He's working through my staying here. In fact, i have had a LOT of lessons learned & drilled in just by staying. Things i wouldn't have learned if i were to throw my hands up & said 'Enough! This heathen world is NOT for me! I'm going to do God's works now.' hehe...
Well, its still kinda not for me but it's the world that i am doing God's work now. Its a constant struggle but so is the mission field i dream of. Pain & struggle will always be a part of life...God had to take the world to teach me that..but i'm glad He did.
still learning....
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