pondering..so, these - my pondering thoughts..
could we honestly say God can be shock with the state of our hearts and the mess our lives have gotten into?
why am i asking? because recent events have made me remembered how i felt when i was going through a major turning point in my faith with God. The turning point couldn't have come at a more crazy period of my life. I was at a point where i was experimenting with everything i've always wanted to do and life everyday was a bliss, i made up my own mind, answered to no one, wanted to see exactly what i could get away with, i was the captain of my destiny, i had a plan for my life, and i had people in my life then that would never leave me lonely..and God was just a remote, sweet, lingering memory.
but yet..there was a fundamental truth, which i kinda forgot - He didn't forget me.
so after a long period of avoiding God (i still went to church btw and i was still nice :) but yeah..detached, fish out of water and a side-liner more like it); one day, all of a sudden i felt so restless and agitated and so lost...so HOMESICK! and also lonely (?!!?!) that i found myself on my knees on a hot, sweaty saturday afternoon in my room facing an open window and begging for something..anything in fact not to feel that way. i've never felt that depressed and empty..but i had all what i wanted, which rendered me clueless to begin with.
then, in that state..angry, clueless, lost, frustrated..i felt i had to take my bible. so i dusted the cobwebs of it (exaggerating..yedeh!) and in that cluelessnes..somehow, it opened up to Haggai 1 (even in my early hey days of being an enthusiastic Christian i don't remember ever noticing haggai much yet reading it). so, Haggai was a pleasant surprise..
and what really hit me was THIS...
Haggai 1
5 Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. 6 You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."
AND
9"you expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?" declares the LORD Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house.
should i describe what comes next? if i was alone in the house that day..the neighbours could have heard a screeching long wail and sobs of buried tears - but i had my pride and family still in the house; so, the tears and cries were reasonable quieter but honestly real none the less..
so..anyhoo...
that sweaty afternoon..i felt God speaking to me so loud and clear. through that pile of mess i was buried in - i still heard Him! it broke me to a point i didn't know how i was going to be after that. i didn't even know if i could get up.
but got up i did..i knew it was still a big mess..but something inside of me changed that afternoon.
the week to come was one of the most difficult for me. i couldn't tell anyone wat exactly was going on in the inside and now that i think about it..i should have let some ppl in on it. if i were to seek for some Godly counsel - i think it wasn't too difficult of a task for God to provide..but i didn't know then :)
so, i tried to stay to myself a bit..trying to gather my thoughts so to say..eemmm..but can i honestly say, that i still fail. guess i kinda had a reputation or status quo to keep or should i say a lifestyle to entertain - so i thought! (if i could go back in time, i would have slapped myself silly for even thinking that)
there were major tug-of-war sessions going on..at a point i even got angry with God for starting the whole 'conscience' or 'stirring-in-the-heart' thing but then i realise i was beginning to see and feel and understand things..although it was very painful - i never felt so alive.
there were shame, doubt, second thoughts, the 'what-ifs' and 'how-about-this?' but there was also that hunger and thirst and the *arghh!* groaning inside to want to just be ok with God. i desperately missed Him and longed so much to be accepted again..to not feel so crappy inside.
i knew i was a hypocrite..and messed up. it felt as if i was that salt that has lost its saltiness..
and through it all..what held me was this - i KNOW i heard Him! i know He called me and deep down i knew He understands!
so one thing led to another..for my case, i had to cut off a lot of things because all of a sudden i lost all appetite to what used to thrill me. in fact i felt revolted and restless..and all the backlashes i got because of that - well, let just say it wasn't a pretty picture :)
but those moments when i felt as if i couldn't hold my ground; things happen where somehow i thought i would crumple - but i didn't. i found myself still standing and more determined to pursue this! to pursue Him.
then came one decision that now that i looked at it - i knew it was God at work. i came back to Miri or should i say - i HAD to come back to Miri. i was angry with the decision and i showed it and i went into a relapse..hehe..
then, God intervined in a remarkable way. along came a camp - an EYM camp! Pr John was still a stranger then; i didn't know him, didn't want to know him and didn't trust him (hehe..i don't think he reads my blog but ah well - true story) and i don't know what possesed him to one day ask me to lead a song. ME?!!! i haven't sang anything remotely 'churchy' for a long period of time!
but i sang..i kinda forgot what i sang but that day felt as if every ounce of my hope was resting on the words of that song because i remembered some lines in it that talked about the desperate cry of wanting to be in His presence and that i could only offer what i can bring...something like that
So, that incident somehow ignited that restless pursuit again and i went on. with whatever that was left of me i went on. i didn't know much but i needed to make it right with Him, i was determined to know Him.
to end it all, with this experience in mind. One of my greatest fear back then was that i felt God was appalled at my life. i was determined, but relapsed and determined again. one way or another, i couldn't really fathom how He would willingly give anyone a second chance.
then i learned something. the human heart and its nature - what made me think God wouldn't understand them? if Christ died on that cross for my sins, for all of mankind most unspeakable, detestable and gruesome of sins - wouldn't it be logic that He understand the degree of the corruptness of sin? He must have seen it all! He must know!
i thought He couldn't take it but He bore it all on that cross. Not only could he take it - He conquered it! He didn't stay dead! He understands the human nature more than anything or anyone in existence. He must! because what trust do anyone of us have on a naive Saviour? He wasn't oblivious.
do we trust enough that He is sovereign? His grace is there so is His strength. I believe in God's law, we don't take His grace for granted but i also know He understands i'm human. When i think i can't, i bring it all out to the surface, and He has never fail me. He might answer very differently from what i expected but He never failed.
so, i think He's not done with me yet and i don't think i'm done with what i'm suppose to be doing :) so, i'm walking on; i'm pursuing on..
hold steady, people!
Go with God!
