he?!

So, not very long ago; there was this event in church and i was hosting it. I've had the opportunity to be involved in a few hosting gigs before that, so it's something i personally still enjoy doing especially if its for people that i really know. And since its a church thing; was really in my element and i'm pretty sure everyone enjoyed themselves.

So after service, a friend who i haven't seen for a while approached me and said i did a wonderful job. I said thank you, and she added this in a heartbeat, "It's so good that you're really putting yourself out there because now he can notice you." And the 'he' she was talking about, in all her good intentions was the man that was going to be that person i somehow was going to marry (and no, i don't currently have the specifics yet just so you know)

I was like 'huh?!' in my head.

So, let me get this right. I went around talking to all the relevant people, getting all the information i needed to get the job done, go through them details scrutinisingly and took the time to practice in presenting it out right; so that i could make an impression on him? So that i could be noticed?

I thought about this for the longest time and no, i'm not going all the feminist stance here but what i find didn't sit very well with me was that it seemed that the ultimate goal for me as a woman to do well or excellently in whatever field or project i find myself in, is to land myself a man. And when that happens, then all my work was worth while. And can i go out on a limb here to say in that same logic; when that happens, i should then cease from excellently doing these facets of work that i have come to love doing? Because after all, i have reached my goal.

Let me get this clear though; yes, i do; i sincerely do want the husband, the children, the home and the whole nine yards but never did it cross my mind that all my labour of love, all of my putting my best out there, my skills, my life's structure - were all done so that it can be packaged in a way that is suppose to get people's attention. The last i heard, i thought since life is short; that i should live life to the fullest? And now that i have come to the knowledge of the redemptive work of Jesus Christ; that i should live my life in the light of that finished work?

And since it hasn't really happen yet (the landing of the man that is) and i won't even call it waiting because I don't know; waiting makes it sounds like you're expecting it to happen at either a given time or in a span of a time; should i just not truthfully lay my life out on the table now and insert some of my dreams or pursuits of the heart in there as well and not to forget the responsibilities and duties that encompasses my life. This so that i could pursue the dream or carry out the tasks that which makes my life richer in all it could be and hey, in the midst of living my life and him living his, that our paths will cross, you know.

I have loved much and i know i am also well loved. And as much as i am very thankful for my life and the people in it; i'm also all in in trying anything new or different or even challenging just because i'm deeply curious about it or it's something i want to learn more about.

That's the reason i'm in a Theological Seminary.

I have always had a deep interest in the subject matter and although if it really did go according to my own plans; i would have left this to the last chapter of my life, you know after living the epitome of the dream life first at least. But, again when this was still the thing that i dreamed about when i go to sleep at night and somehow still deeply yearn for even when i am awake; i knew for my own good i needed to do some readjustment to my earlier plan.  

And i plan to be the best that i could be in it because i could safely say, i know this is what i want.

As for the other element to what i'm trying to say here today; i come from a family that has taught me a lot about love (with tears and pain included) and how love in its truest form is tough and it stands by and gets itself involved and messy. And yes, there were also interesting experiences in the romance department in the past but now being exposed and enveloped in such a tenacity of love in its truest form; i too want that in all areas of my relationship. I have learned that good things do take time and i don't want to rush it, because heck! life is interesting enough to get you preoccupied.

I'm not building this aspect of the relationship into a unrealistic standard but that; it's more than the boy-meets-girl-and-fall-in-love-and-get-those-wedding-bells-ringing kind of scenario. I want him to be a friend. Like how my friends are my good close friends because we sit together, walk together, we dream together and sometimes share our pain and fears together too. To see the person within the exterior; which means all the perks and annoying little habits that may come with it too.

So ya, thought i'd jot this down now before i over-rationalize myself out of it.

God's be, people!