you don't wait

A confession.

Been going around these few days feeling a little overwhelmed. I have assignments due in a few months and tonnes of reading to add on to that. 

The overwhelming feeling, i'm sure has its roots in the fact that every time i sit down to undertake my tasks; i somehow convinced myself that i do not know enough to form an opinion or a thought line and that then rattles my confidence of pursuing it.

I tried to somehow talked myself out of it because i want to materialize those ideas already but how do you do that when you are your worst critic.

Spend some time in the library, to which i walked out feeling yet again unfruitful. Then, went back to the dorm to attend to some domestic responsibilities. And somehow between agonizing over the little i think i know and doing the laundry; a conversation i had a few years back with a good friend of mine resurfaced amongst those buried memories.

It was a time when she was already a few years into her marriage and with two lovely kids. We've been good friends since we were little so it's the type of friendship where you could always pick up where you left off and i do truly cherish it. We talked about all sort of things and one of the thing was how she admitted that although people offer you the best advice and encouragement on being a wife and mother, it's not until you go into it then you realized, you still find yourself helpless and clueless.

It's tiring, takes a lot out of you, a lot of 'dying' to oneself somehow and every time you make a decision; you cannot afford to just take your own perception or needs as the reference point. You have to consider the needs and opinions of your spouse and children.

And she said one thing that rang so clear in my head, which goes something like 'You don't have to wait until you know everything about motherhood and life before you can be a mother. You learn along the way also la. It's your children, your family. You love them and their are your responsibilities.'

That immediately sooth me. Somehow impressed upon my heart was exactly those words 'you don't have to wait..'

And in this case, that feeling of inadequacy was making me hesitant in giving my task a go. If we wait until we have it all figured out or that the feeling of inadequacy diminishes , i don't know how long will that wait be or if it's even ever going to stop.

So, ya. I think i would still need to do more reading and definitely some dialogues with the relevant people; and who knows there will be a fresh perspective on the tasks at hand. Nothing wrong to come out with a skeletal of an idea first i guess and then research it accordingly.

What have changed? I think i'm less tensed now after this reminder and at least it doesn't feel too crowded in the head :) And i think it's a high time i totally have a day out exploring the beautiful places in this new home of mine that i've heard so much of huh.